Finding Peaceful Ways of
Dealing with Anger & Disagreements

 

• One of the ways we can handle strong feeling is through making ourselves take deep slow breaths and putting our attention on something that makes us feel peaceful -- or silently counting to ten or reciting the alphabet backwards as we do this deep breathing. This method is especially helpful when we feel we might be about to do or say something we will regret. If possible, take a break from the person or situation that triggered your upset.

  My Plan for Peace

   

• Sometimes we need to get the feeling out by doing. But do something that doesn't hurt you or the other person. Some people hit a pillow, stamp the floor, tense up their muscles really hard then relax them, make a yelling sound [into a pillow if you need to be a little quieter], or hit a punching bag, throw beanbags at a wall. Engaging in some kind of physical exercise can be helpful -- walking, running, aerobics, push ups, etc. Some people do a vigorous project like pulling weeds or cleaning their room.

   

• Talking about your feelings is very important too. Don't simply "stuff down" your feelings about what happened. If you feel you can't talk to the person you are upset with, find someone else who is willing to "just listen". If you can't find such a person, or the feelings seem too private, try writing them down. You can write in a journal, or even write a letter to someone. You can tear the letter up when you are done. Or, when you have calmed down, you can read it over and rewrite it for the person you are upset with.

   

• Reach out for comfort. Find someone who can give you a hug, make you laugh, and just generally let you know you are loved. It's very important to remind ourselves that we are part of network of kindness and caring -- especially when something painful has just happened.

   

• Reframe the situation. When you want to lash out at someone in anger, try to imagine what you would feel like if you were them.

   If someone has just hurt you, remember that you are a valuable person-- no matter what! Remember that everyone makes mistakes and that everyone has problems. No one has the right to make you feel like a bad person just because they think you should be different than you are. Just remember, usually people will pick on someone who has a problem or a difference that is obvious. Lots of people have problems or differences that can be noticed from the outside. It's hardly fair to judge people -- especially on that kind of basis.

   

   

1. We can also learn how to resolve conflicts.

   This means, working out our fights and disagreements without hurting each other. Without hitting or name calling or trying to embarrass the other person.

    

   Remember these rules for talking to someone you are upset with:

   • Agree to give each other a chance to express the problem and some possible solutions. Agree not to call names or to try shaming or hurting each other.

      

   • Focus on the solution, not just the problem. For example, "When you said _____, I felt ____. I would feel less insulted if you said it this way, _____." In other words, be sure to tell the other person what it is you want-- not just how they upset you. Try to be very specific.

      

   • Give the other person a chance to talk too. Really listen. When they are finished, repeat back what you think they just said, in your own words. Then ask if that is what they meant.

      

   • When you talk about your feelings, use "I statements". That means you can say things like: "I feel really mad right now", instead of "You really make me mad." This helps the other person listen to us and understand -- instead of just feeling yelled at.

      

   • If you can't work it out , or are becoming even more angry with each other, take a break. Maybe you both need more time to think it over and calm down. Or maybe you need to find someone to help you talk it out. Maybe a teacher or parent could help, or a friend who won't take sides. Possibly a counselor may need to help you work it out . I

    

2. Also, we must learn how we can get our needs met and be safe -- so that we can feel okay -- while letting other people be just who they are. 
    

   Discover your Helpful Words

    

    

3. We need to work on feeling good about ourselves as well; then when the other person is just having  a bad day, it won't be so upsetting for us.

    

    

4. Finally, we must all make the commitment not to hurt each other (or ourselves) for being different or for acting as hoped for. We must know, there is a better way to deal with the feelings that come up in tough situations.  Thinking about these ways now, as we have been doing all through this page, will help us know what to do when something upsetting happens.

Watch a short online Movie about Bullying

Watch a short Movie about Being Angry
(Hint: Don't worry if your boat gets a little stuck.)

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