Discover Your Style Parenting/Teaching/Caregiving Styles and Limit Setting by Annie Castle Deckert, M.Ed. Psych       For this discussion, we will separate parenting/teaching/caregiving styles into three distinct types:   1. Authoritarian 2. Reactionary 3. Developmental   All parents, teachers, and caregivers sometimes interact with their children in an authoritarian or reactionary manner. However, the third type, Developmental Interactions, is the most healthy, productive environment for children. This should be the goal toward which adults are striving, although it is unrealistic to expect ourselves or other adults to be "perfect" all the time.      Authoritarian Interactions (Characterized by a rigid and punitive "Brick Wall" approach to discipline)     Discipline and control are accomplished by building a "brick wall" of rigid rules and punishments.   Children are forced to comply with rules and commands, but are not taught to develop self-discipline.   A hierarchy of control exists: the adult has absolute power. Children are powerless.   Punctuality, cleanliness, and order are valued above flexibility and the emotional needs of children.   Adults attempt to break the child's will and spirit with fear and punishment.   Humiliation is considered a legitimate discipline technique. Adults use sarcasm, ridicule, and embarrassment to get children to comply with rules.   There is an extensive use of threats and bribes.   There is an atmosphere of perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking. (Anything worth doing is worth doing right...anything less than perfect is worthless...")   Competition is seen as a motivation for excelling. Losing a competition is seen as utter failure.   Love is highly conditional. ("Be a good boy... I'm ashamed of you... what a good girl you are...")   Adult teaches children what to think, but not how to think. Critical thinking is discouraged, as it may threaten the authority of the adult.   Physical punishment or violence is often present.     Questions To Consider:   Why do some parents, teachers, and caregivers choose the Authoritarian approach?   What are the results of this approach?   Are there any situations in which this would be the most appropriate Approach?         Reactionary Interactions (Characterized by a scattered, random, and unpredictable "Jellyfish" approach to discipline.)     These families and classrooms lack structure. The adults take no leadership role, so children are left to make adult decisions. This "jellyfish" approach causes the children to feel abandoned and frightened.   Rules, if any exist, are unpredictable, random, and based on the adult's mood.   There are arbitrary and inconsistent punishment and rewards. There are frequent lectures and put-downs for behavior that was accepted previously. Second chances are arbitrarily given.   Threats and bribes are commonplace.   Adult actions are dictated by the emotions of the moment. Love or affection is highly conditional, based on how the adult is feeling.   Sometimes called "permissive," this style can sometimes be extremely harsh and authoritarian, depending on the emotional state of the adult.   Questions To Consider:    Why do some parents, teachers, and caregivers choose the Reactionary approach?   What are the results of this approach?       Developmental Interactions (Characterized by an authoritative yet compassionate "Pathway-building" approach to limit-setting and guidance, which is based on a solid understanding of the child's developmental level.)     Adults who use the developmental approach provide their children with the "backbone" for support by conveying the following messages to their children: I believe in you I trust you I know you can handle life situations. You are worth listening to. You are cared for. You are very important to me. Through their words and actions every day, parents and teachers make these messages a constant part of the family's or classroom's atmosphere. The children know that the adult is always on "their side". This approach opens a vast array of pathways of opportunities and options for the children.   These teachers, caregivers, and parents make a deliberate effort to understand child development principles and realize that perfection is impossible to achieve. They also realize that mistakes are an important part of life and of learning, and that apologizing to each other is an act of strength.   Democracy is learned through appropriate family experiences. Children are involved in age-appropriate aspects of family decision-making. However, parents do not relinquish adult control in the same way that permissive families do. Adults always choose which decisions they will give to children, and carefully structure the children's decision-making practice situations to fit the child's age and needs.   An environment is created that is conducive to creative, constructive, and responsible activities. Adults avoid sending mixed messages to the children, and strive to provide a positive role model.   Rules are simple and clearly stated. Adults use wisdom when creating rules, and give children opportunities to participate in the formulation of family or classroom rules when appropriate. There is not an excessive number of rules. Parents draw on a sense of responsibility and perception of need when formulating and enforcing rules. Rules are viewed as helpful tools for living, but are not placed in importance above the importance of people. Rules are viewed as changeable. There are constantly increasing opportunities for children to set their own boundaries as appropriate to their increasing age and development.   Consequences for irresponsible behavior are either natural to the situation or reasonable. They are also simple, valuable, and purposeful. The consequences do not create new problems of their own. There is no need for threats, bribes, or punishment.   Discipline is handled with authority, but is viewed as a learning process. Parents and teachers view their role as providing guidance as children learn and develop self-discipline. Children are educated about the problem behavior, given ownership of the problem, and offered ways to solve the problem. Their dignity is left intact. Children always get second opportunities to improve their behavior.   Children are taught how to think, not taught what to think. They are encouraged to seek factual knowledge and to listen to a wide array of viewpoints on all topics. Children are encouraged to listen to their own intuition, and to be spontaneous and creative. They are taught to think critically, and to use reason and logic in everyday situations. They are given a thirst for knowledge, ideas, and experiences. These children will always be curious and interested in learning.   "Backbone families" and "Backbone classrooms" value creativity and self-expression and offer children many ways to express themselves including music, art, speaking, writing, dance, play, and others.   Children are freely given lots of hugs, smiles, and humor, with no emotional or behavioral strings attached. Love is unconditional. It is always clear that the person is valued, independently of his or her current behavior.     Questions To Consider:   Why do would parents, teachers, and caregivers choose the Developmental approach?   What are some of the specific results of this approach?   Why would it create a more healthy, productive learning and caregiving environment than the other two approaches?       Ready For A Little Practice?  Click on one of the sections below to test your understanding of the principles above, and to help you get ready for applying them in your real-life interactions with children.   Developmental Limit-Setting Worksheet   Limit-Setting Scenarios: Can you name the style?     About The Author   Annie Castle Deckert  holds a Masters degree in Developmental Psychology. She has experience counseling new mothers in a supportive group setting, and currently teaches "Together Time" at Explorer Preschool, a program that provides education and creative fun for parents and young children. Annie is also an Early Childhood Education instructor at the U.C. Santa Cruz Extension.   Concepts in this paper have been adapted  from the works of Barbara Coloroso. READ MORE ABOUT IT!   Order   Kids Are Worth It!: Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline.  By Barbara Coloroso     For more books on parenting, visit the Earth's Kids Bookstore.     Web Earth's Kids Play | Nutrition & Food Issues | Potty Training /  Bedwetting | Sleep | Health Issues | Positive Discipline & Guidance | Child Development   Send us some email!