Play:

Pointers For Parents

 

 Play is a vital activity to infants and children. Through play, babies and children develop vital neural connections which lead to a way of organizing the child’s perceptions of the world.   For this reason, even newborns need play.  For the newborn play consists of feeling things, seeing things, hearing things, and beginning body movements.  Although we are conditioned to perceive children as "playing" when they interact with toys or play a game (such as peek-a-boo) with another person, in fact "play", as we use the term here, means interacting with life in a way that is enjoyable, creative, light-hearted, and somewhat spontaneous. 

Play is a way of gathering information about the self and about the world.  Play is an avenue of self-actualization; through play we deconstruct and/or reconstruct our mental models of the world.  Play renews us, reinvents us, and makes us more able to cope with whatever is coming up ahead.  And of course, play is not so much about what you do, as how you do it.  So remember, you don't need a lot of expensive toys for play, but you do need time for play, and a playful attitude!
 

Below you will find our list of pointers for play.  Our expectation is that most of what you read below will be things you already know, although you might not have looked at it in quite this way.  What we hope to give you is a few new ideas as well as a lot of encouragement to help you make your play time more renewing, more pleasurable, and more meaningful.   We hope that you will avoid wasting money on expensive "fad" toys that do little to engage the child's imagination. 

 And we hope that you will stand firm against social pressures to rob children of their childhood by rushing them into high performance, high stress situations in hopes of "early academic achievement".   Most early childhood experts remain skeptical that the latter leads to true success in the teen and adult years.  In fact there are indicators that excessive stress and performance pressure in childhood makes individuals less likely to strive for success in later life. (The "slacker generation" or "latch key kids" syndrome.)

By contrast, playfulness nurtures a positive attitude and, we believe, makes more space in the mind for compassion, resilience, and joy.  Furthermore it goes hand in hand with curiosity, creative thinking, problem solving, and even positive risk taking -- qualities held in common by all the great innovators & explorers, from Albert Einstein to Gloria Steinum to Vasco de Gama. 

Points To Remember

· Occasionally give your child exposure to play activities that are are slightly beyond your child’s current developmental level. This happens naturally when children play in family and neighborhood groups (with mixed ages), and it helps give the child a preview of what kinds of things he might want to try next.  
 

· Parents who foster the relationship between play and learning (through making learning fun and by subtly drawing forth the learning potential in play activities) are helping foster a positive attitude about learning. 
 

· However, remember to let your child be in charge of his or her play. Creativity, initiative, and real joy develop best when play unfolds from the inside out. As the parent you can subtly provide toys, situations, questions, comments, and environments that will spark the child’s imagination and curiosity. 
 

· Additionally, toys can be viewed as tools or props that the child uses in unfolding what he/she is creating internally, in the imagination.  Examples are basic art supplies (paper, crayons, etc.) and dress up clothes that can be used in a variety of ways. Also wooden blocks, Duplos (Legos for older children), and simple dolls—both the size that fit in the hand and the size that cuddle in the arms. Such toys are called “open-ended”. 
 

· Toys that entertain by doing the work for the child (such as Nintendo, many computer games, and various battery operated gizmos) are fine in moderation. But realize that they encourage the child to take a more passive role in the play—something which does not develop the qualities discussed earlier  (imagination, initiative, etc.)
 

· Let your child be the Chief Executive Officer in charge of Fun, with part of the job description being to think up ways to playfully interact with the (child safe) environment & materials provided. Remember: your conviction that he/she is a capable and imaginative being will rub off on your child. 
 

· Trying to keep your child constantly entertained (as if you were his/her Entertainer) may teach him or her unrealistic expectations of adults, and may lead to frustration and confusion down the road -- for the child, yourself, and other people. Additionally, being the Entertainer all the time is exhausting to parents. It can create conscious or unconscious feelings of resentment, anxiety, and depression. We may lash out at our children later, or they may simply sense our feelings and feel guilty. 
 

· Remember that you are always modeling “appropriate behavior” to your child.   Adults need play too!  Take time for fun—you will enjoy your child all the more for having done so.  Let your child see what adults do to “play” (quilting, reading, gardening, web surfing, or etc.)  Let them see that it is okay for Mommy (or Daddy) to take time for themselves. 
 

· It is more fun to be your child’s playmate, when you can also choose to let them play by themselves for a stretch. And when you can do your adult “play”.   And really, deep down, children sense when being with them is fun...or not fun. 
 

· Often if you initiate a period of playfulness together (reading, building with blocks, dancing, etc.), and really give yourself over to play, your child will feel satisfied and ready to move on to a period of independent play. Such initiation says, “I love you -- I like to be with you!”   This is what is meant by spending "quality time" together, and it is usually your child's underlying goal.
 

· Spending “quality time” together—that is, really enjoying your daily playtime periods with your child, will satisfy your child’s desire for attention far more than 8 long hours of grudging interaction. The more insecure your child feels about your love for him/her, the more you will be clung to and demanded of.  What says “love” louder than the genuine smiles and laughter you share with your child when you are having fun together?
 

 · When it’s time for “adult things”, it’s okay to cheerfully inform your child that you will join in his/her play a bit later.  If you believe you deserve time off, so will your child.  Lose the guilt and your child will lose interest in pressing your guilt buttons.
 

 · It’s okay for children to be in their own “kids-only” world sometimes and to exclude us adults. That is a magical experience for them. (And magical for us, when we get invited in!)
 

 · Play is vital to children, and they need plenty of relaxed time to engage in it.  And, children benefit greatly from the freedom to explore and experiment. But do remember the concept of limits. Schedules, safety rules, physical limitations, and concern for the feelings of others should be allowed to enter in and become the natural boundaries surrounding a child’s play experiences. This prepares them to smoothly transition into school experience and adult life.
 

 · When setting limits, know what your limits are -- both in terms of your threshold of exhaustion and in terms of your personal values. Your own intelligence, integrity, and compassion for your child are more important that what your friends, neighbors, instructors, and parents may think. But remember -- treat yourself with respect when setting limits with your child (around play or anything else), because you are showing them how they should act when they grow up. And you are showing them how you deserve to be treated by them. What you do speaks louder than what you say! 
 

· Warning! Constant thrills and stimulation can be emotionally overwhelming to infants and young children.  Learn to read their signals!   And, realize too that children can become conditioned to require a consistently high level of stimulation -- or to be so accustomed to it that they don’t know how to take enough time for quiet contemplation, introspection, and rest.. 
 

· At the same time it is unrealistic to expect young children to sit still or remain quiet and focused for as long as an older child or adult would. The younger the child, the shorter the attention span and the greater the need to experience the world through touch and movement. The key is not to force prolonged stillness nor encourage frenetic activity.  
 

· Children have such an intense need for fun and playfulness that they will create it even in situations where it seems inappropriate to adults (making a game out of putting on shoes, even when we want them to hurry; or by acting “goofy” and “wild” when we want them to act “serious”).  We must balance our needs/demands with an understanding of what is fair and appropriate to expect of them. 
 

· Avoid forcing children into situations and settings that are not are appropriate to their age and developmental level -- such forcing will harm their self-esteem & playfulness and it will create resentments. (It is recommended that all parents learn what IS appropriate to the age of their child. See Child Development) 
 

· We can introduce children to responsibility and self-control gradually. Over time, we can increase the limitations and expectations placed on them, as they mature. This will avoid the creation of mutual resentments.  In children, resentment leads to rebellion (or depression) — now or in later years.  Avoid the trap through knowing what is developmentally appropriate!  (See Setting Positive Limits)
 

 · Both routine & ritual, as well as variety, are important in children’s play. It’s important for play experiences to be repeated (comforting familiarity plus opportunity for mastery), and for new experiences to be introduced also (novelty, fresh challenges).
 

 · Individual personality types affect play. Personality, more than gender, will determine whether a child prefers boisterous play or quiet play, blocks or dress-up, messy play, or clean, etc. Be sensitive to your child’s preferences. They may be totally different from that of your other children or from yourself when you were a child.
 

 · Finally, it’s important to remember that playfulness is an important, vital characteristic—the preservation of which will create much happier teen and adult years. As well as a much greater potential for creativity, initiative, and problem solving abilities—all skills that your child will need in school and in life.