Here are some teacher-tested
tips on encouraging gentler behavior in preschool
aged children.
I have found them to be real sanity savers everywhere from parent
participation nursery
schools to Sunday School to subbing in the knock-down,
tear-your-hair-out world of understaffed daycares
-- and in
my home as well!
1. Respond
before it happens
Monitor children’s interactions.
Scan the play area
(if someone else was watching another group, check from time to time
be sure this is still the case).
Notice when a conflict is about
to arise, and note the “mood” of the participants.
Step in immediately if
violence seems imminent. (Bottom line: school must be a safe
place for children!)
“We don’t use
hitting.” “Use your words please.” Be firm but kind.
Redirect children
Act as facilitator for children
to work it out. (Help children put the problem/desires into words.
Suggest acceptable solutions and encourage them to choose one.) But
don’t do it all for them!
Be conscious of high
stress times where more conflict & aggression is likely to
occur. These are:
Transition times (going
outside, sitting down for snack or circle time, when a child enters
into an activity that others are already engaged in, when parents are
cleaning up or setting up [i.e. paying attention to something other
than their child and/or child has nothing to do.])
Sharing / boundary disputes(over toys & equipment, play structure, projects)
When a child is unwell or
already distressed.
2. Model gentleness & respect
Speak to the child in the same
tone, with the same kindness, that you would like the child to use
toward peers.
Acknowledge the inner person --
separate the child from the child’s action-- and address the
inner person with respect.
When you set a limit explain why
(in as few words as possible).
3. Build community
Give jobs within the classroom
(passing out cups and napkins, helping clean up -- helping each other).
Draw child’s attention to
positive actions and intentions of peers.
Model smiling and talking in a
friendly manner to the other children (remember to get down to
child’s eye level as much as possible).
Encourage children to use
“please” and “thank you” with each other.
Facilitate group projects
(blocks, “murals”, puppet show, singing, etc.)
4. Encourage &
acknowledge child’s use of verbal approach --
“You used your words”
“You told [child’s
name] you didn’t like that.”
“You asked very nicely”.
“You remembered to
say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.
5. Give other choices/redirect
"You can’t hit
[child’s name] with that, but you can hit the rug."
"I'm afraid someone will
get hit with those sticks. You can go throw sticks over there. [show]"
6. Acknowledge the positive
-- examples:
“You used your words
[to get what you wanted].”
“You gave [child’s
name] a turn.”
“You two worked it out.”
“You were very gentle
with [child’s name]”
“You waited your
turn.” / “You were patient.”
“It made [child’s
name] happy when you shared.”
“Thank you for helping me.”
“Thank’s for listening.”
“I bet you feel good
about sharing that toy.”
7.
Share
information -- examples:
“[child’s name] likes
you to be gentle/share.”
“The toys belong to
everyone” / “At school we share the toys.”
“I can’t let you
hit/hurt [child’s name].” “Use your words to tell how
you feel.”
“We have more fun at school
when we are nice/ kind to each other.”
“It’s almost circle time.”
“We all help clean up.”
“We will go, after I clean the
table/move this into the nursery/etc.”
8. Empower the “victim”
Teach/encourage the "victim" to the use of
words/phrases that set boundaries and head off trouble
(“Stop!” “Don’t hit me!” “Be nice.”
“Wait your turn, please.”)
Give the child positive
attention when there is no problem (builds self-worth & and
removes need to get attention through being the victim).
(Remember to give positive
attention to the aggressor too, when he/she is not acting out!)
Remember, it’s totally
normal for very young children to be impulsive, to test boundaries, to seem
to forget what you’ve already told them, to be self-centered,
and to want to act out aggressively when feeling angry or threatened. However, it is our job as parents and educators to set loving limits
and boundaries that guide the child forward into appropriate social behavior.
