Discover Your Style Applying What We've Learned by Annie Castle Deckert, M. Ed. Psych.   If you've already read Annie Deckert's excellent article "Discover Your Style", it's time to apply your understanding with the use of her Limit-Setting Worksheet and through exploring some scenarios that are similar to those experienced by real life parents, teachers, and caregivers.  These materials were originally developed to help parents and teachers working with pre-school age children, but the approach could certainly be adapted to interactions with older children.       Limit Setting Scenarios   Examine the following scenarios. See if you can determine whether the adult behaviors can best be described as Authoritarian (A),  Reactionary (R), or Developmental (D).   A mother of a 4 year old is unhappy that her son does a poor job of cleaning his room, so she takes away all his toys and gets rid of them.     (A)  (R)  (D)   A parent complains that his 2 year old just doesn't listen when he tells her not to play with something, so he assumes that she is growing up to be a difficult child (a "brat").     (A)  (R)  (D)   When a 3 year old falls apart in the grocery store, having a huge tantrum, the parents decide to quickly check out and leave, and they remember not to squeeze in a shopping trip on the way home from preschool next time.     (A)  (R)  (D)   When Circle Time isn't going well, a teacher of 2's and 3's decides to cut it short and save the story for another time.     (A)  (R)  (D)   In the next room, the other teacher lectures her 3 year olds about the importance of listening skills.     (A)  (R)  (D)   After a toddler has taken a toy from another toddler's hands, the parent slaps the child's hands, and yells, "Share!"     (A)  (R)  (D)   A parent cancels her 5 year-olds birthday party because he lied to her when he said he didn't break the expensive vase. She wants him to learn not to lie, and knows that the birthday party is very important to him.   (A)  (R)  (D)   When a parent finds it difficult to get his two young children to leave the park when it's time to go home, he keeps waiting and waiting until the children are "ready", even though they are late for an appointment.     (A)  (R)  (D)   A mother doesn't allow her child to play with other children unless she is in the same room, because she doesn't want the other children to be a bad influence.     (A)  (R)  (D)   The parents of three young children have developed family rules and enforce them strictly with all three children, believing that they must be consistent or the children will be confused. This becomes a little problematic when they try to get the toddler to comply, but they expect that she should follow the rules like everyone else.     (A)  (R)  (D)     Annie's Recommended  Reading List       Developmental Limit-Setting Worksheet     Child Behavior:         This is a problem because:           Part 1. Long Term Learning:     How do my expectations relate to the developmental level of the child?     Are my expectations developmentally appropriate?     Why is the child behaving this way? What is the situation from the child's point of view? What emotions are involved?     What usually leads up to this behavior? Could it be prevented?       What developmentally-based actions could I take that would offer the child Pathways of Growth Opportunities?   What adult actions will encourage long-term learning and the development of self-discipline?     Part 2 Short Term Survival   How serious or problematic is the behavior? Is is dangerous or destructive, or is it simply annoying?     What adult actions might stop the behavior immediately?     What price might be paid for these "survival techniques" if used too often?     Under what circumstances might "survival techniques" be appropriate? Is it worth it to resort to survival techniques for this behavior?     What can I change in the environment to make use of "survival techniques" less often, and long-term learning situations more frequent?         Part 3. Conclusion   Based on your responses to this worksheet, make a mental (or written) plan of how you will respond the next time the problem behavior occurs.   When it does occur, use your planned approach.   Important Reminder: Don't beat yourself up when you catch yourself reverting to old behaviors. Change takes time, and practice -- no one's perfect! Becoming conscious that you have a choice is the first step. Mistakes are part of the learning process. While your new approach will at first take conscious effort ("cognitive mental process"), it will in time become a comfortable, familiar response ("associative mental process"). Remember that you are laying the groundwork for your child to become a responsible, healthy, happy human being. You have the opportunity to give your child a gift they will benefit from the rest of their lives! Return to Discover Your Style What To Do  About Tantrums     Concepts in this paper have been adapted  from the works of Barbara Coloroso. READ MORE ABOUT IT!   Order   Kids Are Worth It!: Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline.  By Barbara Coloroso     For more books on parenting, visit the Earth's Kids Bookstore.     Web Earth's Kids Play | Nutrition & Food Issues | Potty Training /  Bedwetting | Sleep | Health Issues | Positive Discipline & Guidance | Child Development   Send us some email!