Articles/Homeschool

 

How It All Began

When my eldest daughter was very small I made choices all the time about what was best for her -- from the smallest things (which pacifier, which brand of graham cracker) to the biggest (which preschool, what pediatrician). I got good at it -- using my best judgment about what was right for my child, balancing what I wanted and believed with what she communicated that she felt and desired.

But then something changed; public school came along.  My daughter entered kindergarten and I, along with the rest of the parents, suddenly found that the control had been wrenched away. Others decided which teacher my daughter would have, with no consideration about who she was as a person, what her particular needs were. She was simply assigned to the teacher on what appeared to be a wholly random basis.

And then this new other, this teacher randomly chosen for her by someone else, began making even more decisions for and about my child. This person decided that my five year old child should spend most of her time at a desk, silent, listening to the sound of a buzzer going off at the end of each rigidly timed assignment, and being crossly scolded for each mistake. She was also kept in from recesses until her assignments were completely finished. After all, it was argued, how would her motor skills ever improve if she weren't pushed to catch up to the defter children in the class. I myself received a number of scoldings for the "day dreamy" look my child reportedly took on during story time, and for her lack of good penmanship.

But the influence of this person, again randomly chosen for us by someone else -- someone who didn't even know us -- did not only last during school hours. It extended into our home life. Now there were the tearful arguments about getting homework completed, about making her printing legible, about getting up early enough in the morning, and about the rush to get to the school on time. And there were the dismaying discussions outside the classroom that ended in, "Yes, yes -- you do have to go inside."

Challenges & Choices

Let me stop here and clarify a few things. I do believe that challenges are character building. And I believe that learning to delay gratification and to balance what we want with the responsibilities in our life and with the needs and feelings of other people is a vital undertaking, an inescapable part of the developmental process. I even believe that as the parent, I'm not always right all the time. Sometimes my own emotional baggage or my limited personal perspective leads me to opinions that I later find are flawed and that I readily depart from.

But what I don't believe, is that people -- including children -- have no choice but to be miserable. I believe that when we find ourselves in the position of believing we must just resign ourselves to "the way things are", this should be a red flag warning us to STOP... and examine our assumptions, and our options.

What got to me then, and what still gets to me now, is the feeling of helpless victimhood, of not having a choice. A feeling strongly reinforced by some of the public school staff I have dealt with. [examples]

Beyond Teacher Roulette

But of course, even if one chooses to stay inside the system there are obvious choices. For example, after we wait to see how our child faired in the August/September game of Teacher Roulette, we can harangue the principal until our child is moved out of notorious Mrs. So-and-so's class and into another.

And when this doesn't work (or when we then wind up with someone almost as awful), we have the choice to see this as an opportunity (rather than a calamity), as a challenge to be overcome, an occasion for us to rise to. And for those of us with a spiritual bent we have the choice to pray for Mr. or Mrs. So-and-so, and to utilize whatever guidance we receive in order to deal more effectively with him/her and with our situation.

And, if all else fails, we have the choice to not take it all so seriously and to remind our child to do the same -- and to have a sense of humor about that teacher we're both stuck with.

But I have come to realize we have another choice altogether -- one my inner guidance might have led me to were I not so attuned to the conventions of my society.   This choice is homeschooling.

 

Not What It Used To Be

Most parents I have talked to in the past believed homeschooling to be too difficult, too costly, too inconvenient-- and darn it, just too "fringey" to seriously consider.

But there have been changes in the homeschooling demographics. Once nearly synonymous with fundamentalist Christians, homeschooling is now being embraced by expanded groupings of parents with different belief systems but similar motives-- public school doesn't jive with the belief structures they want to pass on to their children nor with their ideas about how children should be treated!

This is not so much a retreat into "fringey-ness" as it is a grass roots rebellion. More and more parents are tired of the "one size fits all" approach to education and to the harm that is being done their children (emotionally and academically) from being shoe-horned into this system.

 

When One Size Does Not Fit All

While there are many great teachers out there, and lots of great school administrators with excellent intentions, there is still the fact that, here in California at least, our school children from 4th grade on up are jammed together 30 to a classroom. As a teacher myself, I know too well the dilemma of trying to keep a class on track and getting them to learn something -- while still trying to accommodate the personalities and needs of so many individuals. It is a monumental task. (Perhaps too monumental. Kudos to all the great teachers out there who are undaunted by it!)

Add to this, the problem of Teacher Roulette (i.e. some years you get stuck with teachers with bad attitudes or unrealistic standards). This is not a trivial problem when you consider how easily and deeply emotional abuse and prolonged stress can scar the emotional core of a sensitive child, especially when dragged out repetitively for an entire year.

Furthermore, there is the question of the age-appropriateness of some of what is being taught. Children are being subjected to physical and emotional stresses inappropriate to their level of emotional, intellectual, and physical development. The resulting problems can sometimes range from nearsightedness to nervous breakdowns. Many parents have said to me lately that the violent incidences on high school campuses of late may be linked to the intense level of pressure being exerted on children and teenagers these days within the public school system.

 
Beyond Doom & Gloom

This is not to say that all our children are doomed. My point is not to frighten or depress you. Many, many children seem to cope remarkably well in public school, all things considered. And for many children, public school may be exactly the right place to be.

My point rather is this: if your child is not one of these, if your child is not one who can let it all slide off of him or her like water off a duck's back, or if your child has significant special needs or issues (such as A.D.D.) that are not being adequately addressed by your school system, or if you simply feel your child is being harmed by his/her public school experience, you have a choice -- you can simply say, "No. No more." And keep your child home.

But even if you are not ready to make this choice, you may feel, as I do, much better -- much saner, freer -- just knowing that homeschooling is a viable option.

For myself, I find it much easier not to get sucked into the hysterical insanity that sometimes/often gets aimed at my children and at myself as the parent of those children. I don't feel as panicky now about the assertions that the stress and super tough standards placed upon 4th and 5th graders are necessary (because "in junior high and high school it will be ten times worse"). I can stop feeling that I have to join in the craziness that would pit me against my child -- the pressure to make her toe the line and be "whipped into shape".

Knowing we have a choice, we don't have to fear -- or make stupid choices based on fear. Just knowing we have a choice, helps us make better choices from inside the system -- or out.

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